


If You Loved Me

by TheatrePhantom



Series: Trans Dib for the Soul [6]
Category: Invader Zim
Genre: Abuse Dib Friday, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Crying, Dib-centric (Invader Zim), Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Drama, Family Issues, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Men Crying, Other, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, ZADE, ZADF, ZaDr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:48:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26279704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheatrePhantom/pseuds/TheatrePhantom
Summary: Dib and his father get into a fight that spirals beyond the control of either of them.
Relationships: Dib & Zim (Invader Zim), Dib/Zim (Invader Zim)
Series: Trans Dib for the Soul [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1790959
Comments: 12
Kudos: 75





	If You Loved Me

Anger boiled intensely within Dib's very being. Every molecule within his body buzzed with overwhelming anger. Anger that had been there for years. Anger that had been festering and growing inside since he was little. Anger that had started when he was younger as sadness and had only evolved into some more intense and violent with age. Anger that had only grown with every word his father spoke, every promise he broke, and every plan he forgot. 

His father may have not kicked him out of the house, yet, but he had discarded Dib long ago. Ever since he became entranced with the paranormal and what lurked beyond the stars, his father had given up on him. Dib's refusal to abandon his passions in the name of "real" science deepened the rift between him and his father. The space between them seemed endless, most times, and his father did nothing to change this or reach out to Dib. 

Dib was sick and tired of this. He was tired of telling himself that it was his fault that they had a terrible relationship. He was tired of taking the blame for everything his father had done over the years. He was tired of not being loved and accepted for who he actually was. He was tired of Membrane's constant refusal to make an effort. 

He was  _ tired _ .

And he was done playing nice. 

"If you loved me you wouldn't treat me like this," Dib's voice shook violently despite the confidence behind his words. The anger and distress coming through clearly in rough, stuttering breath and shaking fists clenched tightly at his sides. 

"What do mean ' _ if _ I loved you'?" Membrane furrowed his eyebrows, posture becoming slightly more hunched- as if he didn't have a clue what his son was talking about. "I  _ do _ love you!"

Dib let out a dry laugh, "Well you sure as hell don't act like it."

"Oh really?" Despite the goggles that hid Membrane's eyes, Dib could practically  _ feel _ his father's angered glare. "Everything I have ever done has been for you!"

"Bullshit!" Dib yelled, not bothering to restrain himself any longer, "You're never fucking here! You say you'll be there for us but you never are. You  _ say _ that you love us but you  _ don't _ !"

"And what makes you say that?" Membrane's tone dripped with condescension, making Dib seethe. 

"'What makes me say that'?!" He echoed back angrily, "Everything you've ever done! You're never there for us. You're only proud of us when we're following your script."

"That's not true!"

"Yes it is, and you know it!" Dib felt his eyes sting with tears but he refused to let them fall, not wanting to let his father win by breaking down with him present, “You’ve been trying to deter me from pursuing what I  _ love _ \- what I’m  _ passionate _ about-  _ just _ because it doesn’t fit into your perfect little plan for me. Despite all of the time and energy and  _ love _ I pour into my research, you  _ still _ try to convince me to drop it at every turn!”

“Because I want you to be  _ happy _ !”

“I would be happy if your love wasn’t conditional!”

“My love  _ isn’t _ conditional!”

“If that were true then you wouldn’t invalidate me and what I care about at every turn. If you  _ really _ loved me, you would support me even if you didn’t understand or agree with what I cared about.”

“I don’t invalidate you,” Membrane denied, “I’ve been completely supportive of you ever since you’ve come out. I  _ understand _ -”

“Understanding the science behind something and  _ feeling _ something are two entirely different things. You  _ understand _ the science behind me being trans, but you don’t  _ understand _ what it feels like to want to crawl out of your own fucking skin because the world somehow fucked you up and put you in the wrong one!” Dib shook his head, pushing that thought away. While it was completely true and his problems with dysphoria did bother him quite a bit, that wasn’t what they were talking about, right now. That wasn’t the problem at hand, “Don’t- don’t derail this! My gender isn’t what we’re talking about, here.”

“I was derailing nothing.”

“You were trying to validate yourself by saying that you accepted me being trans, and while I  _ appreciate _ that, it doesn’t change the fact that you  _ don’t _ accept  _ anything else _ about me.”

“That isn’t true!” Membrane sounded defensive and exasperated. Despite how neutral he tended to stay when talking, his emotions were clear as day to Dib- he had known the man his entire life, after all. Even Membrane, the great man of logic and science himself, couldn’t lock away every single emotion he had for the rest of eternity, “I  _ do _ accept what you’re interested in, I just don’t understand your- your unhealthy  _ obsessions _ with para-science!”

“Oh, yeah, you accept my interest in “normal” science and you’re okay with me having an interest in theatre, but the  _ second _ I express any sort of excitement about the paranormal or aliens, you automatically drop all of your support! You can’t claim you support me if you won’t even take the time of day to hear me out when I talk about the things that are the  _ most important _ to me.”

Membrane took a deep breath, “I will not stand for you speaking to me like this. You are my son and-”

“No I’m not!” Dib snapped, “And you’ve never seen me as one. You treat us like we're just little lab experiments for you to play around with and throw away when you're done." 

“You’re not just an experiment- neither of you were.”

“Then stop acting like that’s all that we are to you,” Dib finally felt his eyes welling up with tears of long-repressed anger, his words coming out especially caustic to make up for the show of weakness, “If we were anything more than that to you, you wouldn’t make us feel this way.”

Membrane said nothing, seeming as though he was searching for what to say. Everything about him was painfully calm and emotionless, though. While Dib knew it was just a front, it felt like his father was completely ignoring and overlooking Dib’s problems- his father acting like that made him feel like he was a toddler throwing a mindless temper-tantrum rather than a teenager making a completely fair statement about their twisted and unhealthy relationship.

“If you weren’t going to love us and treat us like your actual children, then why did you bother making us?”

“Son-”

Before Membrane could say anything else, Dib stormed out of the house, slamming the front door shut behind him as he did so, the loud crash of the heavy door falling back into place ringing through his ears alongside his father’s words. Everything swirled around in his head, making his head ache. While his father hadn’t said anything too terrible during that fight, he hadn’t even attempted to apologize for everything he had done over the years or make any move to comfort or convince Dib. Membrane did nothing but defend himself and everything he had done over the years. 

Despite the fact that he was no longer in the house, hiding his emotions from his father, he felt himself pushing them back, refusing to break down while he was still so close to their household. Dib cried very infrequently, so it wasn’t shocking that this was just another time where he was hiding his emotions away and refusing to let them out like a stable, normal person. Despite the fact that he  _ knew _ it would make him feel better to just cry and let everything out, he stubbornly refused, continuing to hold it in, body shaking with the force of his emotions and unwillingness to release them. 

Dib tugged his trenchcoat around his shoulders tightly, holding it close to his body in a weak attempt to make himself feel better. His coat was definitely a trademark of his and something that he found a strange comfort in, but it was only doing him so well, at the moment, even with it wrapped tightly around his violently trembling frame in some pathetic attempt at making himself feel as though he was being held.

Dib didn’t entirely know what it was that he was doing as he shakily made his way to Zim’s base. All he knew was that he was a wreck and couldn’t be at his own house right now and that Zim was the closest thing he had to a friend. Despite them essentially being enemies and spending a great deal of time fighting against one another and thwarting the other’s plans, going to Zim for comfort had the highest chance of success. He was the best friend he had. 

The thought of Zim being his friend made Dib let out a weak, bitter chuckle. The person who had almost killed him and who he had almost demolished on multiple occasions seemed to care for him more than his own father did. At least, if Dib disappeared, Zim would wonder what had happened to him and would maybe even feel bored without the challenges the human presented to him. His father was an entirely different story. He had another kid to take over his legacy if Dib died- and, if that failed, he would just make another. He had no need for Dib. Him leaving wouldn’t affect him in the least. 

Angrily, Dib shook his head, trying to push that thought away. No. Zim didn’t care about him, either, and he knew that. The Irken soldier had been trained in many things, and one of those was the power to completely void emotions towards other lifeforms that they deemed lesser. All that Dib was to Zim was a toy for his amusement. They weren’t friends and they didn’t care about one another- Dib was just going to his base because he was out of options. 

Somehow, it hurt less to tell himself that no one loved him more than his father. At least, that way, it dulled the pain that came with Membrane’s lack of acceptance towards him. 

Dib knocked on the front door of Zim’s base, ignoring how the garden gnomes approached him menacingly, clearly having the intent of throwing him out. He was more focused on keeping his emotions under control, trying to make his hands stop shaking and keep his tears at bay. 

When Zim answered the door, he looked, irritated that he had been disturbed, but his entire demeanour shifted when he saw who was at his doorstep. He blinked, eyes widening and antennae pricking up, clearly confused as to why Dib was there and why he looked so obviously dishevelled. If it were any other day, Dib would have taken advantage of the Irken’s lack of disguise, at the moment, but he was too drained and upset to care about that.

“Dib?” Zim was too taken aback by the human’s appearance to bother with one of his traditional insulting nicknames, “Er… what are you doing here?”

“I got into a- my dad and I- ” he paused, stumbling over his words, and let out a heavy sigh, “Just… can I come in? Please? I need somewhere to stay for a while.”

Zim still seemed unsure, but stepped to the side and gestured for Dib to enter, silently closing and locking the door behind him as he came in before joining th human to sit on the couch. 

“So… what exactly happened to you?” Zim sounded unsure, probably baffled by Dib’s appearance and mood. The soldier was, unsurprisingly, not very good with human emotions and didn’t take to them very well. Dib didn’t expect him to understand what he was going through or why he was upset. “Did someone hurt you?”

Dib let out a small, humourless chuckle, “Something like that. Just not physically.”

Zim scowled slightly, “It doesn’t  _ matter _ if it was physical or not, no one is allowed to hurt you.”

“Why do you care anyway? We’re  _ enemies _ , we’re supposed to be against one another.”

“Precisely! You are  _ my _ enemy and I refuse to allow anyone else to cause you this much pain,” Zim tilted his head, glancing at Dib before averting his eyes as if he felt ashamed to admit this, “...I dislike seeing you this upset. I would rather it not happen again.”

Dib blinked, struggling with that last sentence, “You… you care about me?”

“Obviously,” Zim let out a small sigh, “I wouldn’t still be your enemy if I didn’t care about you. No one is supposed to bring you harm aside from me. I don’t want to see you suffer at anyone else’s hand.” 

There was something about the way Zim said that that felt a little off, as though what he was saying was true, but not the full truth. It seemed as though he was holding something back- either on purpose or because he himself didn’t see it. That didn’t matter to Dib, though. What mattered to him was the confirmation that the alien who tried to kill him and destroy the very fabric of his reality on a regular basis cared about him more than his dad did. 

Before Dib could stop himself, a sob wracked his body. The tears he had been fighting against during his fight with his father and the walk to Zim’s house finally overflowed, becoming too much to hold back. In waves, the tears spilt from his eyes and flowed over his cheeks like a broken waterfall. He closed his eyes tightly, perhaps in a weak attempt to hide from Zim, or perhaps to hide Zim from  _ himself _ . 

He openly sobbed, no longer bothering to hold back, and likely not capable of doing so, even if he wanted to. His body shook intensely with every sob, anguished cries breaking free from his throat. He felt himself choke on his tears and his cries but couldn’t bring himself to try to stop himself. He hurt too much to stop. 

Zim hesitated for a moment when Dib began to cry openly, unsure of what to do. It only took him a beat to begin making an attempt to comfort him, though. 

Zim scooted closer, cautiously placing his hand on Dib’s back and rubbing there, carefully gauging his reaction to see if the human was comfortable with the action. When he seemed to respond positively to it, leaning into his touch, the Irken made a bit of a bold move, remembering something Dib had told him about regarding how to comfort humans. 

Gently, he wrapped his arms around Dib, holding him in a loose yet grounding hug. Despite knowing that humans were very different from Irkens in many ways, Zim resorted to using a more traditional Irken calming method as well. As he rested his chin on Dib’s shoulder, he let his lekku fall to brush against Dib’s face and hair, fluttering against his human in an attempt to calm him. With Irkens, the calming pheromones released by this action would help them, but Zim wasn’t sure whether or not that would work for a human. Still, he wanted to try his hardest to make the Dib feel better. 

As Dib cried, Zim continued to hold him, whispering nonsensical phrases of comfort in his ear. He didn’t have much experience in comforting anyone- let alone his human- but he was trying his best and the message got through to Dib, regardless. 

In all honesty, Dib was far too distressed to even take note of the exact things that Zim was saying. He just knew that, for once, someone was trying their very best to make him feel better, even if they didn’t know why or understand what was wrong. He knew that someone  _ cared _ and, as much as he hated the implications that came with that, the feeling was amazing. Knowing that  _ someone _ cared enough to try and help him like this mattered more than whatever specific things it was that Zim was cooing to him in a mixture of English and Irken tongue. 

After what felt like hours, but was only several minutes, Dib’s sobs tapered out. Sobs turned into gently cries turned into shuddering breaths and teary eyes turned into an exhausted silence broken only by the occasional sniffle. 

Finally, Zim released Dib from his hold, though he continuing to rest one hand on the human’s back in what he hoped was a comforting gesture, “Are you alright?”

Dib nodded but said nothing, reaching up to wipe to tears from his eyes, dampening the sleeves of his trenchcoat as he did so.

For a long while, silence settled between them, neither of them daring to say anything for fear of disturbing the fragile air of the room. 

Silence could only last for so long between the two of them, though.

“Thank you, Zim…” 

“You’re welcome, Dib,” Zim nodded, “I may be your enemy, but I’m still here for you when anyone else hurts you. I don’t want anything else to bring you pain.”

Dib let out a weak laugh, this one sounding far more genuine than before. Despite how odd it was to hear and how incredibly strange their relationship was, Zim still obviously cared for him. Even with their differences, Zim was willing to do what he needed to do help Dib with what he was going through. 

As much as it hurt to think that Zim was the person who seemed to care about him the most, right now, it wasn’t as painful of a thought as before. It was abnormal, but that didn’t change the fact that it was nice. Having friendship and consideration from someone- even someone Dib claimed to hate- was better than nothing. Considering the amount of effort that Zim had put into caring for Dib without asking any intrusive questions beforehand, it was clear that the alien cared about him at least  _ slightly _ and the thought of being loved- even by someone with their relationship- made him feel a little better. 

Perhaps Dib wasn’t as completely alone as he thought he was.

**Author's Note:**

> Got sad, wrote a sad fic. Happy Abuse Dib Friday.


End file.
